Marching Forth By Standing Still

A few years ago, I started this tradition inspired by Sasha Sagan, where we use the date March 4th to “March Forth” with purpose and perseverance.

The last several years I celebrated this made-up holiday and used it to reflect, create goals, and set intentions for myself. Today, I hoped for a similar celebration, but I didn’t have it in me.

Emotionally Hungover

I am emotionally hungover from a turbulent week of grieving the loss of a dear friend to suicide. It has rocked my world off its axis and sent my head spinning. Last night, a large group of friends gathered to process this tragedy together. We talked for nearly five hours. There were heaving sobs, shouts of anger, and expressions of love. It was intense and beautiful, hard and necessary, life-giving and energy-depleting. 

It left me with little to offer today. I rolled out of bed when I’d rather have stayed under the covers. I took my girl to school. I started my workday early and did my job sufficiently. I had a very late lunch and wound up dozing off for 30 minutes without even meaning to. My body was spent from the mental and emotional anguish of the past week.

It Looks Different This Year

There were no lofty goals set today. There was no daydreaming or creativity. There was no burst of productivity or inspiration. There was coping. There was recovery. There was stillness.

But somehow, in light of my friend’s choice to leave this broken but beautiful world, simply choosing to sit in the discomfort suddenly feels like a valiant marching forth. Maybe meeting myself where I am and listening to my body is the most perseverant act I have to offer this time around. Sometimes not moving backward is marching forth enough.

Go forth, even if that means staying right where you are.