For my daughter’s entire life (seven and a half years, so far), my husband and I have instilled three virtues in her: to be smart, strong, and kind. We first discussed these concepts when she was still in the womb, and we would talk about what we dreamed for her life. The dreams a parent has for their unborn child can easily grow overly ambitious when they’re talking in hypotheticals. But we never wished to burden our unborn child with unrealistic expectations. Instead, we always came back to the basics: smart, strong, and kind. These virtues are simple, but powerful.
SMART
To us, “smart” encompasses various forms of brain power. It’s about becoming educated, but not in the must-get-good-grades-and-attend-a-prestigious-university sense. I could take or leave the grades that are awarded in standardized ways to unstandardized kids. I’m talking about exposure to facts, understanding where we come from, to inform where we’re headed. Learning about people who are different from us and cultures that are not our own. I wish for her to lean into her curiosity and develop a thirst for learning. We stress the importance of critical thinking and evidence-based reason. Ever since she was a baby, I narrated things I was doing in her presence and often discussed why. This was an invitation to her to pay attention to the world around her, so that she may organically develop life skills and wisdom.
STRONG
To us, “strength” is not about muscle or force or physical might. We wish for her to be strong of heart–able to withstand hardships and disappointment and find the resilience to keep moving forward. Cultivating patience is a strength. We wish for her to be strong of mind–not easily swayed (and believe me, she’s not!) or fooled or manipulated. We wish for her to be strong of character–choosing what’s right over what’s popular. The strength we hope she will cultivate has nothing to do with bulldozing anything that gets in her way, and everything to do with finding her power within without having to sacrifice, belittle, or defeat others to “feel” strong.
KIND
To us, “kind” is more than polite. We certainly encourage her to say “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” and “I’m sorry” wherever appropriate. But I know a good many people who are polite but cruel. Kindness is not always an action; it is an intention, a frame of mind, a way of being that says, “I don’t have to know you intimately to know that you deserve dignity.” Kindness does not pick fights, judge, exclude, take others’ behavior personally, or do a nice thing in hopes of reciprocity. It does not mean being a doormat, but it means recognizing that not everything is about you. Kindness is present in a good friend, but it is also available for total strangers. And kindness must also be directed inward. Sometimes our harshest critic lives inside our own minds, so it is vital to remember we deserve kindness, too.
BALANCE
Smart. Strong. Kind. Each of these brings something different to the table, but here’s the catch: you must nurture them all. The reason we wish these three things for our daughter is because no two alone would be enough.
Strong + Kind (without smarts) = A pawn in someone else’s game
Kind + Smart (without strength) = A well-meaning pushover
Strong + Smart (without kindness) = A dangerous and selfish bully
Smart + Strong + Kind = A confident, capable, grounded and well-rounded individual
When I look at those in charge of securing my daughter’s future, I see the perpetual absence of at least one of these traits in many, and sometimes all three. It is hard not to feel defeated as I try to foster these virtues in a child surrounded by a country of grownups who cannot seem to lead by this same simple example. To think clearly and critically, and consider context and consequences. To recognize strength does not mean behaving like a bully. And to lead with compassion and integrity. If it’s simple enough for my seven-and-a-half year-old, why is it so hard for our leaders?
